I've have been facing trouble lately with understanding basic human emotions. I feel, don't get me wrong. m not saying I'm absent of any emotion. it's obvious that I'm not. I just haven't felt the good ones in a really long time. So long actually that I don't remember what it's like to feel well. It's been like that ever since I was younger. A good feeling isn't something that I've ever been able to keep around for longer than brief moments.
The last few months have tried my patience with 'getting better' and 'fixing' myself. I guess I've been past the point of really thinking I can fix myself for awhile. Sometimes I just get hopeful that things will be better for me. My life isn't shit, my brain is. My 'relationships' are shit. I sit in my room every day, before, in-between and after classes. Alone. I like my time alone. I value it. When the time comes that I need to reach out, I do. I get in close, ruin whatever situation I get into, then get used to being alone all over again.
I'm stuck in a cycle. I try to think and decide what I want, or to understand myself. I can't do it. My mind doesn't work that way. I can't remember if I've ever been able to understand myself. Honestly, I don't know what it is to have deep rooted opinions in anything. In general I can like or dislike something, but to really understand and pick my own brain just doesn't work. It kills me to know that I can't 'think' like everyone else.
It's not my fault this happened. I don't have it in me to trust anymore. You ruined that. You're still not doing the right thing, and don't tell me I'm wrong. I know it's true.
It's not funny how the world works, though it has given me full incentive to finally cut ties with everyone. Time to make my move. But confusion is still in the air... should i...should not I !!!
